God's Will

George Clancy "Bad Things Happen To Good People"

"Cause good things happen to bad people
If justice was served
We'd all get what we deserve
But bad things happen
Bad things happen
Bad things happen to good people"

I drive myself crazy trying to figure out "why." I will drive myself mad unless I learn to let it go and just accept that it is God's will. I believe that when I can truly do this 100 percent I will finally feel a little more free. We cannot live in the worries of tomorrow because we will forget to live. Every moment that I have with my mom is treasured and even though we may fight and argue like mothers and daughters do I still love her with all of my heart. 

Over the past few months I've gotten the pleasure of really getting to know another Warrior. She is close to my age and my heart aches for her and her family. Like my mom her SMAS was developed by a traumatic accident and was also unavoidable. She, like me, constantly questions "why" and wonders what her future will be like. I just want to hug her tight and make everything in her world alright. She's gorgeous, funny, and a true friend who deserves everything this world has to offer. 

We all struggle with God's plan and maybe one day we will be privileged enough to realize why things happened the way they did. Until that point I will continue praying for my mom, my friend, and all the other Warriors struggling with this horrible syndrome.

DO YOU MISS YOUR NORMAL LIFE?

I have so much chaos in my life, it's become normal. You become used to it. You have to just relax, calm down, take a deep breath and try to see how you can make things work rather than complain about how they're wrong.

Tom Welling

“Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality. Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something.”
― Tara Kelly, Harmonic Feedback  

 

 I was asked yesterday "do you miss your normal life?" As soon as I read the question tears started flowing. Even at this moment tears are rolling down my face. What is normal? What was normal? Normal has not been in my vocabulary since January 1, 2011. On January 2, 2011 my family was in a car accident that would forever change our lives. My mom unfortunately suffers the most, which I have discussed in the past, but today I want to focus on me. 

 

What was normal? Normal to me and my family was being able to go out and have dinner without servers giving my mom looks when she ordered a small meal. Normal was going to a theme park with my mom and her keeping up with my every step. (I can be a fast walker) Normal was never having thoughts about my mom not being there on my wedding day due to being in the hospital or fears that she may never meet my future children. Normal was being able to go out with friends without worrying about taking my mom to the grocery store. Normal was playing around at Walmart or Target without being on a time restraint. Normal was not having to worry about any "what ifs."

 

What is normal now? My normal now is constantly checking up on my mom. Normal now is giving up weekends with my husband to ensure my mom is taken care of when she is in town. (Plus I miss seeing her) Normal now is squeezing in time for the few friends I have left, but those that stuck around are true friends. I am lucky that they are so loving and understanding. Normal now is looking over my shoulder when out with my mom to make sure she isnt doubled over or clinging to the shopping cart. Normal now is spending 10 minutes in a store rushing around to get what she needs before she becomes too sick. Normal now is spending every spare moment researching Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome and figuring out what else we can try to help her get better. New normal is knowing that there is a chance my mom could die from this syndrome, but I will do everything I can to avoid that outcome. New normal is now an appreciation for life, for the love of my mom, gratitude for my husband, his family, and my friends for always being there for me. 

 

My life in some ways would be better if the car accident had never happened, but it also wouldn't have brought me closer to my mom, pushed fake friends away, introduced me to some amazing Warriors and family members of those Warriors. I wish I could take their pain away, my mom's pain away, but this is the hand we have been dealt and I have learned to accept my new normal. 

rough days

“When pain brings you down, don't be silly, don't close your eyes and cry, you just might be in the best position to see the sun shine.”
―Alanis Morissette 

So I am trying to keep my head up, keep smiling, and praying that everything will be okay. Some days are just so much tougher than others. My mom had her surgery and is still in recovery. I unfortunately had to come back home to work leaving her alone. I worry every single day about her being alone since someone else can't manage to go over there. Today her incision opened up with makes me fear an infection. It's so hard not to worry. It's hard to stay strong. I don't know how others can do this day in and day out. I thankfully have an amazing man who is my rock. 

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

This post was originally going to be about my mom's upcoming procedure, but in a heartbeat our SMAS community is feeling heartache. One of our warriors stopped breathing in her sleep last night and the paramedics were called. We are all praying that she can pull through, but at the same time I pray that her pain and suffering ends. Life is short and that's why every moment counts.