My Wish

"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence." -John Adams

I've been procrastinating on writing even though some things have been spinning around my head. When trying to decide on a quote tonight I thought about just using "My Wish" lyrics, but they didn't quite fit in and the need for writing tonight actually stemmed from, yes I know, Dancing With The Stars. Corbin dedicated a dance to his sister which is what send my mind in motion. If I could have one wish I'd wish for my mom to be healthy. That's my one wish. I wish to have my healthy mom back and yes, a huge part of that is selfishness speaking. I want back the mom that I could go shopping with, out to eat with, to amusement parks with and not having to plan days around how she's feeling. Please do not get me wrong, it's not about having to help her out, it's about seeing her happy. Wanting my healthy mom back is about seeing her able to eat, walk without pain, and enjoy life. I want her healthy so she doesn't have this pain anymore. I want her healthy so she can enjoy life with my family members. There's also a sense of guilt with moving out in a few weeks. I'm afraid of what might happen without me being around to help her out. I'm afraid she's going to sink into depression. What's worse is my brother and sister in law don't come around much and won't be around much to check on her. 

 

 I'm thankful for my cousin. He and I don't talk very often, but at least he's the closest person to me that knows the fear of losing your mom at a young age. He has at least been there to lend an ear and give me some supportive advice. Love every minute with your loved one. Try not to think about the what ifs. Most importantly, stay positive. I have hope that one day I will have my "healthy mom" back. I have faith that things will work out and be okay and that my mom will not only continue to be a survivor of Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome, but she will be a healthy normal survivor. 

Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.
John Adams
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/wishes.html#BWCOKhfgf807vdsx.99

Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.
John Adams
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/wishes.html#BWCOKhfgf807vdsx.99

Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.
John Adams
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/wishes.html#BWCOKhfgf807vdsx.99

Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.
John Adams
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/wishes.html#BWCOKhfgf807vdsx.99

Strength, Love, and Courage

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.-Lao Tzu

Another breakdown/meltdown today. I know I've talked about how alone I feel in this whole process and how my brother and sister in law are no where to be found despite the fact that they are only 30 minutes away. Now, this meltdown was for several reasons. My job is wearing me out I'm technically working 12 days in a row in a very stressful environment. I'm tired of only getting to see my boyfriend one or two days a week. Lastly, my mom has become sicker. She's now weighing less than she's ever weighed before. It's a struggle to try to get her to eat despite the fact that she is starving. All of this has lead to a horrible migraine that I haven't been able to shake. I am so thankful for my amazing boyfriend whose simple question of "what's wrong?" lead to me just breaking down and instead of telling me to get over it he just pulled me in closer, listened, and calmed me down. It's hard feeling helpless. It's hard seeing my mom so upset and I know she's tired of being sick. She put up an older picture of herself from before the accident and the SMAS started and to see how different she looks is unbelievable. I know she's sick of being sick, but I don't know how to help. I don't know how to make her better. You'd think having a nurse in the family would be a little more helpful, but is so distant. How can you be part of someone's family and so uncaring? 

I am so glad I have my boyfriend and close friends around. They are the ones that continue to give me the strength to keep going, to keep looking for answers, to continue being there for my mom. I continue to hope that answers will be found, that my mom will defeat this, and that I will have my healthy mom back again.

I'll be a runaway

I'll put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleepin' in this sleepy town tonight
At the break of day
I'll be a runaway-Love and Theft

That's how I feel the majority of the time. I know you can't run away from your problems, but wouldn't it seem to make things easier to just stop caring, pack up, and disappear?? There'd be a few things I'd take with me such as the boyfriend and the dog, but I'm sorry....I'm sick of the responsibilities. I'm sick of having the fear that I'm losing my mom. I'm sick of the stress and being only 26 and having all this weight on me when no one else is stepping in to help. How come I cant use work or school as an excuse not to help out? How come I'm the one working 6 days a week, coaching 3 days a week, with a meet on Saturdays, and I'm still the one taking her to the store, doing yard work, going with her to the dr, taking her to the airport??? I'm sorry. I know I'm whining. I know life can be worse. I just need someone to help...

As I Sit Here Waiting

Please bear with me as I am typing this on my phone. Today brings back so many memories of December and all the wonderful people I met that day my mom had surgery. Everyone was worried, but we found comfort in one another. We first explained why our loved one was there and conversations eventually turned into funny. stories and memories. Each time one of us got good news we celebrated and unfortunately not everyone received good news. But once again, those of us in he waiting room were there to support the other. I still wonder how everyone ended up and still hope that their recoveries have gone well. It's nice knowing that people, even strangers, are there to comfort you in a time of need. Thankfully, today, I have my dad here. I know he's just as worried, but at least I have family here. Sitting here watching my mom in pain is so difficult. I want to take the pain away, I want her to feel better, and hopefully one of these days that will happen.

Without Your Friends You Are Nothing

"My friends and family are my support system. They tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear and they are there for me in the good and bad times. Without them I have no idea where I would be and I know that their love for me is what's keeping my head above the water."
Kelly Clarkson

 I try not to keep most of my fears and concerns to myself, but there are some days when I need the support of my friends and boyfriend. I don't like to bother everyone because I know everyone is going through one thing or another. Thankfully today my coworker covered my butt so I could rush home to my mom. There are good days and bad days. Unfortunately the bad days seem to be worse and the past few days have been rough. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I wanted to take my mom out to dinner after attending an afternoon wedding. Mom became sick even before we left the house and as the event progressed she felt even worse. Then this morning I woke up and my mom had a migraine which overwhelmed her. Things got to the point where I was debating taking her to the ER. She was unable to drive herself to the doctor for a back appointment, but I was able to take her. I liked the doctor and for once someone seemed to really listen to her and the pain she is having. Because taking medicine orally can be a problem due to SMAS he prescribed a topical cream and she'll be going to therapy. Hopefully this will help with her pain. 

It's still a hard thing to handle because I can't make my mom better. The only thing I can do is just be there for her, support her, and help out in any way I can. I try to concentrate on one thing at a time and I think my mom is trying to do the same. It's almost like we have a checklist and once one thing is sort of under control we can move onto the next. Why is Mom sick? SMAS, next. Why does she still not feel well? Crohn's. Okay, lets run more tests. Oh look, we found osteoporosis. Check! So why does her back hurt so bad? Disk slightly forward and some degeneration. How is this fixed? Therapy? Okay! Pelvic pain? Surgery in a week and a half. Meanwhile, running through my head, the question "what's next?" arises.  The fear is still there that I'm losing my mom and I know I shouldn't feel that way. I'm worried about the upcoming surgery even though it's routine. I haven't even mentioned it to my best friend yet. Without my friends and boyfriend I would've already had a meltdown and they are keeping me somewhat grounded. My boyfriend distracts me, tells me jokes, etc. My friends tell me about their day and their problems. All of those things help me to forget, for a few minutes, about all of this. I know it could always be worse and I do see signs of improvement. My mom has managed to put some weight back on and doesn't look as scary thin and at times she really can eat and keep food down though the pain is still there. But again, thanks to my friends and amazing boyfriend for helping me keep my head above the water.

Selective Thoughts Mean A Better Life?

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” -Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love 

I'm a type A personality which means I like control; letting go means the unknown. I hate not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I have a hard time accepting that my mom may never be fine again. Perception plays a huge roll in life and it's always easier said than done. If things were that easy everyone would be happier. Trying to remain in control also tends to include my emotions and I hate letting my sad emotions show. For example, today was an amazing day spent with a friend, but as soon as I got home reality hit and I just wanted to cry until I couldn't cry anymore. When you are alone thoughts tend to take over. I'm tired of controlling my emotions, but cannot just let my thoughts run free. Even now I know most of this probably does not make sense because my mind is so jumbled. 

Another Twist, Another Turn, Another Up and Down

 "Through the twists and turns, ups and downs, in happiness and in sorrow, life teaches us...TO LIVE!"

Once again I struggle to find the right words to express how I feel.  I've seen a little progress with my mom as far as her ability to eat, but there are still really bad days where she can't eat at all. She's off with my little sister, but the night before she left she wasn't feeling well. She went to the doctor and had a virus. To me that's horrible news because I know her body might not be strong enough to fight it off. Unfortunately my mom likes to prove to herself and others that she is fine when we all know the truth. The bad thing is the virus should've been my biggest concern, but like always I was wrong. My mom had blood work done and results came back showing she has Crohn's Disease on top of the SMAS and Nutcracker Syndrome. Thankfully it does help explain why she's still having abdominal pain. The crazy thing is Crohn's Disease usually occurs in people between 15 and 35 years old, but then again...my mom is an exception.