As I Sit Here Waiting

Please bear with me as I am typing this on my phone. Today brings back so many memories of December and all the wonderful people I met that day my mom had surgery. Everyone was worried, but we found comfort in one another. We first explained why our loved one was there and conversations eventually turned into funny. stories and memories. Each time one of us got good news we celebrated and unfortunately not everyone received good news. But once again, those of us in he waiting room were there to support the other. I still wonder how everyone ended up and still hope that their recoveries have gone well. It's nice knowing that people, even strangers, are there to comfort you in a time of need. Thankfully, today, I have my dad here. I know he's just as worried, but at least I have family here. Sitting here watching my mom in pain is so difficult. I want to take the pain away, I want her to feel better, and hopefully one of these days that will happen.

Without Your Friends You Are Nothing

"My friends and family are my support system. They tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear and they are there for me in the good and bad times. Without them I have no idea where I would be and I know that their love for me is what's keeping my head above the water."
Kelly Clarkson

 I try not to keep most of my fears and concerns to myself, but there are some days when I need the support of my friends and boyfriend. I don't like to bother everyone because I know everyone is going through one thing or another. Thankfully today my coworker covered my butt so I could rush home to my mom. There are good days and bad days. Unfortunately the bad days seem to be worse and the past few days have been rough. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I wanted to take my mom out to dinner after attending an afternoon wedding. Mom became sick even before we left the house and as the event progressed she felt even worse. Then this morning I woke up and my mom had a migraine which overwhelmed her. Things got to the point where I was debating taking her to the ER. She was unable to drive herself to the doctor for a back appointment, but I was able to take her. I liked the doctor and for once someone seemed to really listen to her and the pain she is having. Because taking medicine orally can be a problem due to SMAS he prescribed a topical cream and she'll be going to therapy. Hopefully this will help with her pain. 

It's still a hard thing to handle because I can't make my mom better. The only thing I can do is just be there for her, support her, and help out in any way I can. I try to concentrate on one thing at a time and I think my mom is trying to do the same. It's almost like we have a checklist and once one thing is sort of under control we can move onto the next. Why is Mom sick? SMAS, next. Why does she still not feel well? Crohn's. Okay, lets run more tests. Oh look, we found osteoporosis. Check! So why does her back hurt so bad? Disk slightly forward and some degeneration. How is this fixed? Therapy? Okay! Pelvic pain? Surgery in a week and a half. Meanwhile, running through my head, the question "what's next?" arises.  The fear is still there that I'm losing my mom and I know I shouldn't feel that way. I'm worried about the upcoming surgery even though it's routine. I haven't even mentioned it to my best friend yet. Without my friends and boyfriend I would've already had a meltdown and they are keeping me somewhat grounded. My boyfriend distracts me, tells me jokes, etc. My friends tell me about their day and their problems. All of those things help me to forget, for a few minutes, about all of this. I know it could always be worse and I do see signs of improvement. My mom has managed to put some weight back on and doesn't look as scary thin and at times she really can eat and keep food down though the pain is still there. But again, thanks to my friends and amazing boyfriend for helping me keep my head above the water.

Selective Thoughts Mean A Better Life?

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” -Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love 

I'm a type A personality which means I like control; letting go means the unknown. I hate not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I have a hard time accepting that my mom may never be fine again. Perception plays a huge roll in life and it's always easier said than done. If things were that easy everyone would be happier. Trying to remain in control also tends to include my emotions and I hate letting my sad emotions show. For example, today was an amazing day spent with a friend, but as soon as I got home reality hit and I just wanted to cry until I couldn't cry anymore. When you are alone thoughts tend to take over. I'm tired of controlling my emotions, but cannot just let my thoughts run free. Even now I know most of this probably does not make sense because my mind is so jumbled. 

Another Twist, Another Turn, Another Up and Down

 "Through the twists and turns, ups and downs, in happiness and in sorrow, life teaches us...TO LIVE!"

Once again I struggle to find the right words to express how I feel.  I've seen a little progress with my mom as far as her ability to eat, but there are still really bad days where she can't eat at all. She's off with my little sister, but the night before she left she wasn't feeling well. She went to the doctor and had a virus. To me that's horrible news because I know her body might not be strong enough to fight it off. Unfortunately my mom likes to prove to herself and others that she is fine when we all know the truth. The bad thing is the virus should've been my biggest concern, but like always I was wrong. My mom had blood work done and results came back showing she has Crohn's Disease on top of the SMAS and Nutcracker Syndrome. Thankfully it does help explain why she's still having abdominal pain. The crazy thing is Crohn's Disease usually occurs in people between 15 and 35 years old, but then again...my mom is an exception.

Tomorrow's Stories

"Today's worries are yesterday's fears and tomorrow's stories"

Every day that I attempt to write I try to find a quote that fit's the mood and topic and I think today's quote fits my mood the best. All of my "yesterday" fears are finally fading. I finally, truly, see the sun shining a little more brightly. Yesterday my mom and I took another trip back to the hospital to see her doctor for a post-op checkup. We were told that it was a successful procedure and he fully believes that my mom will not have any more major problems or pain. So now where do we go from here? Every day is still filled with a little worry. I find myself constantly looking at her, checking on her, and still worrying some. I have seen a huge improvement which has lifted so much stress off my shoulders. My mom not only has her appetite, but does not hesitate to eat. She's trying to eat a lot more, rarely doubles over in pain now, and just overall looks so much better already. At this point I'm just excited to what the next day brings and watching her become stronger and stronger. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring. I just look forward to having not just my mom, but my best friend back.

Recovery Can Be a Long Road

Trying to suppress or eradicate symptoms on the physical level can be extremely important, but there's more to healing than that; dealing with psychological, emotional and spiritual issues involved in treating sickness is equally important.
Marianne Williamson

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders just from having this surgery over and done with, but now we face the challenge of healing. Tuesday was a very very long day which began at 4am, arriving at the hospital at 5:15, surgery starting at 8:20, and lasting 3 hours. The hospital is very crowded so mom was stuck in the recovery room until they could find us a hospital room. Mom didn't have any complaints about her nurse but I did. I got annoyed that he wouldn't even let her speak to my dad and I wasn't allowed to stay back there long, but other people, with different nurses, got to stay longer. Mom had been fighting a migraine and spent the majority of yesterday asleep. This morning she was doing much better, went off the pain medicine, went for a few walks, including one very early one at 4am. Unfortunately this good feeling didn't last long. :/ I left to go back to the hotel to do laundry and grab some food. When I came back mom was feeling bad again. She was cold, but head was hot, her head was hurting again, and then she would get hot and want all the blankets off. I'm praying that tomorrow's test goes well so she can start having liquids to drink. We might get to go "home" by the end of the weekend, otherwise we are looking at Monday or later. I pray that the nurse gets here quick with more headache medicine. Hopefully I'll sleep a little tonight. I'm tired of being tired, but I want to make sure my mom is okay before I even attempt sleep tonight. There will be a lot of changes and adjustments to make in the upcoming months. We may have a new normal. My mom will also have to adjust to the change of looking and perhaps even feeling different. For me, as long as she is happy, healthy, and pain free, that's all that I ask for.

Have Courage When Looking Fear in the Face

 "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'- Eleanor Roosevelt

Every day for the past year has been an experience, a struggle, and a test of strength. Tomorrow is my mom's surgery and everyone is anxious. Once again we are facing the unknown. Every surgery, patient, and outcome are different so we really don't know how my mom will do or feel after this procedure. From what we have read and been told it seems to be a difficult recovery, but that's expected when organs are cut, re-routed, and sewn back together. I've been trying to keep my mom's thoughts positive and sometimes it seems so difficult when other people start sticking their nose where they don't belong. Everyone is nervous and afraid of the unknown. I know we can get through this, I know my mom will be okay and most importantly, I know that this will help her feel a lot better. Saying a prayer for my mom.